at what cost… three words that have threaded their way into the depths of my heart.
the question becomes, “at what cost? at what cost am I willing to go, to pursue the cause of Christ in my life?”
maybe it’s just me, but have you ever sensed that the deeper you go in your relationship with Jesus, the easier it becomes to question if it’s truly worth it? I mean, we know deep down that Jesus is worth everything, but still, I have found myself hoping at times that the Lord would help a sister out and maybe disregard a few of my prayers that have increasingly deepened over the past few months. I know, that sounds pretty terrible, right? but, let me explain first. as I desperately desire more of the Lord, I am simultaneously met with wanting nothing more than to crawl back into my comfortable shell & stay there a while.
why?
because the depth & effect of these prayers will cost something. and, although the effects will be eternally worthwhile & highly treasured in the eyes of Jesus, it doesn’t necessarily mean that this path is highly traveled or that it produces the greatest amount of happiness momentarily.
the growth pains are very real. more often than not, the knuckles are clenched & the grip is tight on life.
to put it simply; following Jesus costs.
the past month or so has been filled with many vulnerable conversations, all with sweet friends in my life that are on this same challenging pursuit. I am so grateful that we have broken through the facade; [an outward appearance that is maintained to conceal a less pleasant or creditable reality]; & have chosen instead to bravely admit that pursuing a self-sacrificing & surrendered faith does not feel good. in all honesty, we have agreed that we don’t really enjoy the side-effects of surrender at all. at least not right now.
but, through these conversations, a layer of my heart has been peeled back – a layer that has gotten a little too comfortable taking control & making all the calls. in a really beautiful way I have come to realize that faith is meant to face resistance. resistance is the vehicle in which growth takes place. and it makes sense, for the call of following after Jesus is anything but easy or light.
Jesus says to his disciples in Matthew 16:24, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.”
another word for deny is disown and the definition of disown is, “to refuse to acknowledge as one’s own”. these words are usually surrounded by harsh negativity, but when letting them speak to our relationship with Jesus, they actually become quite the opposite. we belong to Jesus. this is actually the most beautiful reality in all of creation, but back to a few of my conflictions earlier, it is also an incredibly challenging one.
we are called to do hard things. let’s not forget Jesus’ life on Earth. I challenge each & every one of us to rid ourselves of the complacency that comes with falling into a comfortable, self-focused, & “content with the bare minimum” Christianity. the standard & call was never intended to be light & it never will be.
[An opportunity to think deeper: Becoming discontent with living a comfortable life.]
- Am I facing resistance? Why or why not?
- When was the last time that I willingly gave something up for the Lord?
- What could He be asking me to give up in this season of my life?
- What do my answers to these questions reveal to me about the depth of my faith?
I want to make it abundantly clear that He is worthy of every sacrifice that we make. He is worthy of every grip that we loosen. He is worthy of every idol that we break. He is worthy and deserving of every thing that He lovingly calls us to give up for Him.
I have sat at the feet of Jesus these past few months & let me tell you, He has seen the absolute worst parts of me. There have been a few days that I have sat in wonder, awe, & praise, but many, many, many others with a tight fist, teary-eyes, and a heart that aches for control and understanding. I am right there with you, trust me.
and through all of that, it is so incredibly beautiful to me that the Lord has not turned His back on me. and He hasn’t turned His back on you either. on my worst days, I have felt His warm embrace. Goodness, do I wish that His presence came with a road map for my entire life with very clear directions & answers? Sometimes, yes. But, each time that I show up & sit with Him, I feel him slowly loosening my grip, with all the love and grace in the world.
I am learning to adore & treasure the presence of my Father rather than the comfort of having my life figured out.
and it is here that I am reminded, wow, Jesus you are worth everything.